There was this woman who I kept seeing around downtown who, for various reasons, stirred my insides in a way that I ain’t got time for at this point in my life. I found myself thinking about her and me and us and shit like that. A friend suggested that I talk with her, that I find out a bit about her. I saw the wisdom in his suggestion: surely, if I got to know her, she would reveal some tendency, character trait or belief that would kill any attraction and relieve me of the curse of desire. Unfortunately, I kept not running into her which meant I couldn’t strike up a conversation with her and therefore couldn’t find out what it was about her I couldn’t stand. Then, one night when I was at work, she came in with some guy who looked like a douchebag with male pattern baldness. He was touching her in a familiar fashion. Sure, I experienced a certain sense of having lost something that I never had, but mostly I felt liberated. She was unavailable and she was the kind of woman who enjoyed being pawed by douchebags in public. My attraction was immediately transformed to repulsion.
The song running through my head for the rest of the shift was the Velvet Underground’s “I’m Set Free”. Last thing I want or need is a woman taking up time and space in my life, even if it is just inside my head.
Still, there are some perks to having a woman around, so I decided to come up with a set of questions for potential partners to fill out. Any woman who answers the questions satisfactorily is one I would be willing to invest a little time into getting to know better.
Interested ladies may send their answers to the BDSR email. I’ll get back to you.
1. My favorite Roky Erickson song is
a) “Sweet Honey Pie” b) “Bloody Hammer” c ) “I Have Always Been Here Before” d) “Two-Headed Dog (Red Temple Prayer)”
2. If I was somehow allowed to participate in the Sun Dance, I would give
a) two pieces of my flesh for the People b) four pieces of my flesh for the People c) six pieces of my flesh for the People d) eight pieces of my flesh for the People
3. I was born during the _____ administration.
a) Johnson b) Nixon c) Ford d) Carter
4. To the best of my knowledge, ____ of my ancestors fought for the Confederacy.
a) all b) 5-10 c) 11-15 d) none (they were still in the Old Country)
5. Sex is
a) a sacrament b) confusion c) a necessary evil d) degrading and disgusting. Every time I do it, I feel dirty and ashamed, but then I want to do it again. I am a horrible, dirty person.
6. I vote Democrat, but really I’m a(n)
a) Socialist b) Collectivist c) Anarchist d) Abstract-Expressionist
7. Coffee is
a) coming right up b) necessary for the maintenance of a healthy body and sound mind c) the most sublime entheogen d) proof that the Goddess loves us and wants us to be happy
8. I know it’s wrong, but when I found out that ______ had died, I did a happy dance.
a) Ronald Reagan b) Jerry Garcia c) Michael Jackson d) Margaret Thatcher
9. The Goddess with whom I most identify is
a) Gaia b) Kali c) Freyja d) The Morrigan
a) Power b) Riot c) Galore (the band, obviously) d) it’s what’s for dinner
11. There is no such thing as too much
a) distortion b) garlic c) firepower d) Acid Mothers Temple
12. I’m too cynical to believe in true love or any kinda bullshit like that, but being in a relationship seems desirable because
a) two can live as cheap as one b) social conditioning, I guess c) deep down inside I haven’t really given up the fantasy of finding someone who will accept and love me just as I am, asking only that I respond in kind d) it ain’t gonna lick itself
13. When I cum, I
a) scream b) bite c) squirt d) break through the barrier that separates normal conscious from the direct experience of eternity
14. Before I die, I want to
a) travel b) transcend death c)make the world a better place d) build a wall of my enemy dead around me
15. Gandhi said a lot of good shit, but my favorite would have to be
a) “If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide” b) “There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever” c) “The essence of all religions is one. Only their approaches are different” d) “But for my faith in God, I should have been a raving maniac”
16. I’ve lived ___________ for so long that it almost seems normal to me now
a) in the zone of middle dimensions b) on the ragged edge of poverty c) at the mountains of madness d) beyond the lunatic fringe
17. Any person who eats meat, in any form, at any time, and who claims to care about the environment is
a) retarded b) lying c) ignorant d) insane
18. When I have some kind of emotional bullshit that I need to deal with in some way, I
a) yammer about it with my female friends until I’m over it b) process it with my therapist and/or sponsor/friends in some 12-Step group c) meditate d) fast for a day, go out to the woods, take San Pedro and run wild and naked with my Spirit Animals
19. The keys to a successful relationship are
a) mutual respect and selective honesty b) the willingness to overlook flaws and the desire to get fucked once in a while without having to go out and talk to people c) fulfilling interests outside of the relationship and the conviction that while it might be possible to find a better partner, it isn’t really worth the effort d) shared spiritual practices and the knowledge that your partner will back you in a fight
20. The Big Drum In The Sky Religion
a) is not a religion b) is not a religion c) is not a religion d) is not a religion
Brown Hat the Espresso Shaman
The pun is always intended.